Recognizing the Tornado of Grief
The grief process is not sequential as Kubler-Ross thought but a cycling chaos.
I mentioned in a recent podcast that three close friends and family passed away in the past few weeks. One dear friend died at age 94. An amazing young girl who survived cancer for 24 years passed away at 49. My cousin lost her last child at age 15 from a heart problem that followed him from birth. These reminders of our mortality and the grief that follows for those who are left behind caused me to consider again what we know about grief. Many have not learned of research that has been done since Dr. Kubler-Ross’ master work in the 1950s. Allow me to share an update based on research I heard and experiences I have solicited from those grieving the loss of family and friends.
Kubler-Ross’ 5 Stages of Grief
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross studied patients suffering from cancer and their families. She identified five stages that patients and their families passed through as they drew near to death and afterward. Her research, in the 1950s dominated the world view of grief. Her five stages included:
Denial: in which the person cannot accept the death or loss occurred
Anger arising from the the recognition that a major loss affects your life
Bargaining to negotiate exchanges in lieu of the loss
Depression as the depth of the loss triggers feelings of loneliness and despair
Acceptance brings feelings of peace and acceptance for the loss and missing interaction
Furthermore, Kubler-Ross taught that we progress from one stage to the next in a sequential path. In addition, having successfully completed one stage of grief, one did not return to that stage. However, in the decades since her original research continued study revealed that she correctly identified the stages, but inaccurately identified the passage of the stages.
Tornado of Grief or Grief Storm: a More Realistic Model
Many researchers, including Young Hui V. McDonald, now share a metaphor describing grief in terms of a storm or tornado. Rather than passing calmly from one stage to another sequentially.
Instead, the stages of grief circulate through us in chaotic circles. Swirling repeatedly, not in any order, but returning unexpectedly in any order. Fortunately, similar to a tornado whose bottom is a small circle brining the stages in quick succession. As time passes, as a tornado grows toward the top, the stages repeat with greater distance between each situation. Hence the grief become easier to bear over time.
Many people who are grieving said that this description of their feelings resonated with them. They recognized the chaotic nature of passing through one stage again and again. They described that stages came in an unseen order, but that over time the repetitions seemed to give them greater periods of peace. For all who grieve, I hope this explanation helps you understand and deal with your grief.
Photo by NOOA & Ben White on Unsplash.com
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The tornado of grief is much more relatable than the five stages of grief. I don't know anyone, myself included, who can conveniently check off each stage in order. Thank you for sharing!
When my father died almost 19 years ago, one of my family members arranged for a grief counselor to be available for the family. The five stages of grief she shared in our group session did not resonate with me. Her subsequent follow-ups with me (apparently as the only family member who hadn't sought additional one-on-one interaction with her) fell flat. I felt as though I was being told that if I wasn't grieving — at least not in a professionally prescribed way — I wasn't being honest with myself about my feelings.
My feelings have never changed — regarding my father's death or other significant losses in my life.
Larry, you know me well enough to consider the myriad facets of this question:
What does my open acceptance of life's realities that others may label as overwhelming, depressing, or otherwise negative say about me?
The only other emotion I can relate to in the list of five is anger. I lived there (not concerning my father's passing, but with plenty of other situations) for many years; however, I haven't visited Angerville in a very long time.
I feel clarity with regard to my answer to the question I've posed. However, I'm always interested to hear others' thoughts — especially those of people who have known me through different legs of my journey.