Parenthood, a Transitional Career
Parenthood moves from full-time to part-time to on call. We must adapt
My wife and I learned this lesson at one point in our middle age. Many people today may not recognize the lessons because family life changed in so many ways. Our generation stood at a crossroads in America’s culture of family. Idealized American families, reflected by Father Knows Best, The Donna Reed Show, and Leave It to Beaver raised us. What followed with the children our generation raised reflected very different family situations. Yet, the lesson learned still applies to many families.
Expectations Established for Some Women by Others
Leaders, mothers, and society taught my wife, and thousands of women like her, to prepare for marriage and motherhood. They correctly taught the joys and fulfillment my wife—and many others—experienced in marriage and motherhood. My wife loves her children and willingly sacrificed many of her personal goals in exchange for our family. They did not, however, adequately prepare her for the hardships, frustrations, and differences that motherhood conveyed. On the whole, however, she repeatedly tells me that the joys outweighed the trials—even when her five-year-old daughter became paralyzed from the chest down with a blood clot in her spinal column.
My wife expected motherhood to remain a full-time occupation (I use that term because people work at parenting, mothers at that time generally filled the primary caregiver role). The reality remains that parenthood transitions from being full-time, to part-time to on-call. Let me explain in more detail:
Full-time: A child from birth until about age five requires pretty much full-time attention. Somebody needs to prepare their food, feed them, change diapers, entertain them, and more. Parents may hire someone else to provide these services, but the child needs it full-time.
Part-time: As the child begins kindergarten (especially in school districts with full-day kindergarten schedules) and continues into their teens parents receive a respite while the child is in school. In addition, the child develops skills to feed, clothe, and bathe themselves. During these ages parents also need to withdraw a little and allow the child to make mistakes and develop the skills. In fact, studies prove that child development struggles if parents maintain the same level of attention as the full-time role.
On-Call: Children in their late teens and throughout adulthood want parenting only when they want it—in other words on-call. By this age, most children have a strong handle on basic life skills. Most of the time they take care of themselves. However, when they run into challenges, they need a parent’s listening ear, sounding board, or a shoulder to cry on. At this point even part-time parenting can hinder their self-esteem, self-confidence, and development.
Grandparenting Mirrors the Transition in Reverse
My wife assumed that she would transition from full-time motherhood into full-time grand motherhood. In fact, it surprised her when our daughter-in-law wanted to raise her own first born daughter. That was when we learned the second part of the transitional nature of parenthood: grand parenting transitions from on-call to part-time to full-time.
On-Call: At all times our children only want our help when they want it. At the beginning of becoming grandparents you don’t have enough grandchildren to warrant full-time or even part-time efforts. Hence, due to the time constraints, we call this phase on-call.
Part-Time: If you have enough grandchildren from one or any of your children, your time requests advance to part-time. Each family invites grandparents to dinner, or sporting events, dance recitals, or drama performances. Occasionally, a family asks grandparents if they will tend their children for a week or two while they travel. My parents came to our home multiple times to tend our children while my wife accompanied me on business trips. We tended some of our grandchildren while one set of parents went on a cruise and another set while their parents went to Europe for their anniversary.
Full-time: Some grandparents move to full-time status because their children can no longer care for the grandchildren: death, legal issues, illness, and other reasons. A very few grandparents have so many grandchildren around them that they spend most of their week at sporting events, dance recitals, etc., etc.
Learning this lesson, through tears and frustration, saved our sanity. I also shared the lessons with hundreds of others that I counseled preparing for marriage, parenthood, and grandparenthood. The application modified as more families moved to two and three income families. However, the principles still apply and will benefit those who we call helicopter parents today. I hope it help you and your families.
Photo Courtesy of Tournament of Roses and Burbank Police Band archive
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